On November 29, 2011, the comedian Patrice O’Neal passed away at the age of 41. At that time I was 19 years old. A nerdy, boring University student travelling back and forth from my home to the heart of the city I live in. In those days I spent a lot of time in my head, and there were long stretches where I’d go several hours without talking, just thinking a lot, walking around, reading a million philosophy books at Robarts. It was a time of figuring out who I was, questioning things, and learning about everything. The whole day would go by and the only words I would say all day were, “Tall Blonde,” at Starbucks. Or, “2 shots of espresso.” And that’s it, I’d go off for another several hours of not talking and just philosophizing about the weirdest things while walking around my campus. I remember one day I was walking around and I had the thought, “What if I killed myself today?” And I seriously walked around for a couple hours thinking about it — not in a depressed way — in a clinical, detached, intellectual way. Or I’d have the thought, “Imagine if you went up to one of these pretty girls at random and made some kind of indecent proposal to them. How much would the offer be? What would be the lowest possible amount you could say that wouldn’t be considered disrespectful? What would they say to that? How would you phrase it so it wasn’t vulgar and it sounded like something respectful and feasible? What if you literally had a suitcase of money with you right now, what could you get people to do?” I know this sounds insane to those of you that are a bit more normal than myself. And I will admit it’s hard to describe what I mean exactly by that, but if you’re anything like me you’ll understand what I mean: the art of using your brain and breaking things down at a super small level, piece by piece, dissecting every single possibility of a certain scenario, what would happen, the pros and cons of something, etc. It’s kind of the best way to exercise your mind: just use your imagination like it was intended.
Patrice was a big deal to me because he was the same way in terms of being very big on hypotheticals. It was a big part of his worldview and comedy style: he could get an audience to learn about a serious issue by analogies and a train of thought only a very observant thinker could arrive at. All of those long commutes almost every day to school meant a lot of listening to audiobooks and comedy and shit like that. One of the things that got me through that terribly lonely & uncertain time of my life was the O&A show, and the amount of airtime they gave to Patrice O’Neal. I felt he was not just a comedian, but a philosopher just as deep as any of the leather-bound books I was reading at University. It was like he was another one of my professors instead of just a comedian telling dumbass jokes. The thing about the best comedians is that they can go places our own parents can’t go and teach us things only they can: there’s no way anyone close to me could explain things to me the way Patrice talked to his colleagues. I will always be grateful for his insights for the rest of my life.
Specifically, one of my favourite things Patrice ever did was “The Black Phillip Show.” It was an irregular program that Patrice used to air his grievances about the differences between men and women, and explain his philosophy on a very deep, detailed level. Being 19 years old in 2011, there was no incel culture yet: that very specific kind of violence started much later. To the best of my knowledge, I think the male anger you see so much of these days was, at that point in time, still in its nascent stage and limited to hidden forums. There were special, secretive places like “The End of the Internet,” (don’t ask me for the link or for credentials: it’s one of those things that IYKYK) where you needed a password and username given to you by another member to enter — a place I personally spent a lot of time. And shows like The Black Philip Show, which had no real censorship other than the limited airtime itself. The forums might have been very dark and filled with most likely overweight white guys throwing racial slurs unnecessarily around a lot, but at the very least they were raw and honest and for the most part we were all still having real discussions about things. That’s one thing Patrice was big on: people need a pressure valve and a place to talk about shit sincerely without fear of getting into trouble. (That mostly doesn’t exist anymore in 2021, unless you can find your own social circle and speak freely within it).
I remember one memorably popular thread on The End of The Internet was a dude who claimed he figured out something that worked with women. He messaged several different girls with the same stupid message, “do you like maccaronies?” The reason for this, he argued, was that it was stupid enough to make them laugh, yet not stupid enough that they wouldn’t respond at all. Surprisingly, the guy actually got TONS of responses. He wasn’t a model or anything, and anyone that has tried online dating before and isn’t super handsome knows how unlikely it is for girls to actually respond to you. If I recall correctly, the thread went on for awhile as the guy kept us posted with regular updates, and even took tips on what to say from various forum members. Although it was incredibly stupid and all in good fun, I think the guy actually ended up getting laid from trolling.
I think that’s a big example of the devolution that has occurred in this society in the past decade or so: when I was younger it seemed like I was coming of age during a period where “seduction” and “pick-up artist” culture at least coincided with the anger. Call it bullshit, and maybe some of the dudes were misguided, but they were at least making an attempt to understand and be successful with women in their own silly little “peacocking” and “negging” ways. It seems like today many have completely given up on each other. Patrice was trying to fight against precisely that mentality: the guys who have given up on women completely and have gotten too angry and gone off the deep end are the ones who got it all wrong. In a perfect world, I can imagine The Black Phillip show still being around and Patrice still being alive to answer questions and guide frustrated young dudes instead of where we are today.
Although Patrice could come off as very hostile and was called “bitter” on the show more than once, I believe he was just passionate about what he was speaking on. And more often than not, he was passionate because he felt very deep down that he was correct about what he said. It’s very rare in life you hear someone speak candidly and honestly about a subject they feel they are 100% right about, and they happen to be educating you and making you laugh simultaneously. Patrice was one of the few people who could do that, and he seemed to have such a remarkable talent for doing it effortlessly.
I know this is probably very corny (I can imagine Patrice laughing at me for writing this), but for the 10 year anniversary of his death I’d like to share some of the key points he made on The Black Phillip show, and what they mean to me. It was a very short-lived program, but in the handful of episodes aired there were some excellent points made. I hope this doesn’t come across as too corny, and it helps people out there. It’s not always good to give up on women completely; as Pierre from War & Peace would say, sometimes embracing change and chaos in your life can be a good thing. Without risk there is no reward, and you can’t have great days without the risk that you’ll possibly have a bad one, etc.
1. Take The L
This is a piece of advice Patrice mentioned on more than one occasion. What taking an L means is being prepared for a loss. It’s kinda like the saying, “Hope for the best, expect the worst.” You have to go into things expecting they won’t work out, and being totally okay with that. The phrase was once used in the context of a guy who called in being afraid to tell a woman in his life something. But then there was the broader sense of the phrase, which could also mean being unafraid to take chances and asking women out. As many as possible: it doesn’t matter at all.
Patrice’s whole philosophy on this was that relationships between men and women are not as special or unique as we like to think, and that Disney love shit is fake. His argument was that men learn what love is from women, it’s not a natural state for us, and when we act the way we think they might like, they look at us like we’re pussies because it feels as unnatural as it is. Interactions between the two genders are less about two people finding each other and connecting and being “soul mates” who were “meant to be together” and blah blah blah, and more about it just being a numbers game. This might sound very cynical to some, but the more you keep that in mind, the less you are to feel sad and hurt if shit doesn’t work out for you, because life isn’t supposed to be a romantic comedy. I mean, you could always have that type of experience if you want with someone, but it’s not real and as organic as people would like to believe. You can trick your mind into having that feeling if you really want (that’s kind of what an arranged marriage is, for example). A lot of what people think love is tends to be a learned behaviour from media, etc. When I first heard Patrice explain this it made complete sense to me immediately. (There have been times in my life I’ve asked women hotter than myself out without really thinking it would work, and it did. It was all because of Patrice and his explanation of things being a numbers game, and the preparation of losing).
At the end of my first novel, Absolute Anhedonia, the main character gets his heart broken by a woman he falls in love with. He is a fairly unemotional character (hence the anhedonia in the title, which is what the novel is about: it’s a condition he suffers from), and it works to his advantage when he comes to the conclusion that he can always find a different girl and just start over. To put it a bit darker, in his point of view people are somewhat interchangeable to a certain degree, and he’s just going to try his best to recreate what he had with the first girl that broke his heart with another one. There might be slight differences between the two women, but at the end of the day it’s the feeling of love he experienced with the first woman he’s really after, not necessarily the person behind those feelings.
2. On Promiscuity
One of the biggest things I learned from Patrice about women is that promiscuity isn’t necessarily a bad trait. A lot of men often tend to think that a woman who has had a lot of male partners is beneath them, but it’s a little silly to think that way. It’s always been in the culture, and remains in it currently: the phrase, “She belongs to the streets,” comes to mind. I think this is just a weird male immaturity and weakness a lot of guys need to get over. On the show he once said, “Just because a woman’s a whore doesn’t mean she’s a bad person.” It’s unfair to be a dude and bang lots of different girls, and then expect to find a girl that is somehow “pure,” yet knows every single thing to do in the bedroom. That is a strange, unrealistic fantasy to have. It doesn’t make sense to totally absolve dudes of all wrongdoing and then look at only the woman as a gross person; it takes two to tango. Men and women are both equally disgusting animals IMO. The act of any type of bodily function is gross and the amount of times a person has done it makes no real qualitative difference on how gross they are because everyone is fundamentally gross, period. No matter who you are or what you currently look like, you’re always one step away from being ashy because that’s our natural state.
Plus, as I have already mentioned multiple times on this website, and anyone who knows me well will probably already guess what I’m about to say: life is essentially meaningless. It really doesn’t matter how many partners a person has had because we all die at the end and none of this really matters. Even though I lean towards the god & religion side of things, whatever that means, I also don’t think that means life has a greater meaning or anything. It can be both: meaningless in the sense of nothing mattering, and meaningful in the sense of a creator causing the Big Bang to happen. Just like how a person can be a hoe and still be many other things — the hoeness doesn’t negate their other aspects. We like to think and put people in boxes as one thing or another, but life is more complex than that. A dude could be a murderer with a wife and kids, just as a woman could be promiscuous but very religious. Just look at Mary Magdalene: she was a religious hoe. That’s the beauty of life: you’re allowed to do various shit and be a total walking contradiction if you want. Doesn’t matter.
(It’s a different story of course if you’re with someone who is seriously compromising their health with other partners and you don’t want to be a part of that. If you’re worried about catching AIDS or a herp on the lip or something, you have full reason to be reserved. But if you happen to meet someone cool that has fucked a lot in their past, you shouldn’t give up on them right away. Who knows, they could teach you a thing or two, lmao🤣🤣🤣).
3. Be Righteous
This is related to number 1. In fact, now that I think about it, these are all kind of related in their own way. What “righteousness” meant to Patrice was slightly different than mere “honesty,” which I will get into below. Righteousness means doing things you believe in wholeheartedly. It’s about showing people you have a good heart, you mean well, and you are coming from a good place. It’s about believing in yourself and what you have to say. It makes no sense to half-step anything, you should be confident about every single thing you say or do, otherwise it’s automatically bullshit. It sounds easy on paper, but it’s a lot harder in real life.
For example, think about a guy who asks a woman out on a date and he’s a shy, stuttering mess. The woman is more inclined to say, “No,” due to the simple fact that she can. The guy has left that room for doubt on the table, and once it’s there she has seen that option and can then go for it. If the guy is already falling apart when asking the question, how fun is he going to be around later on? (Another good Patrice takeaway BTW: “power corrupts,” sometimes people will reject others just so they can have the power of being the person who made that godlike decision for a day). On the other hand, if a guy asks a woman out and he seems like he really believes in what he’s saying, the woman is more likely to have interest because it seems like it’s something that is actually supposed to happen. It might sound crazy, but it’s not some The Secret type bullshit all in your head, it’s really true. The first guy is needy, but in the second scenario he seems like he’s just living his life and inviting the girl to join — he doesn’t really need her per se. Patrice was not saying the second guy will always get a date or anything miraculous like that, he was just saying the second guy is more correct in his approach, and it’s something to remember and incorporate in your life (not just with women). Let’s think about a more abstract example for a second: if some dude’s writing a screenplay, would you want to see that movie if it were written by a passionate guy like Quentin Tarantino? Or would you want to see a movie written by someone who is shy about showing their work to people and not really happy with the end result? I rest my case.
4. Honesty
Honesty is a little different than righteousness. A lot of times the male callers of the show would be in some weird situation with their girlfriends or wives, and they’d have no idea what to do. Patrice’s answer was simple: just be honest. His philosophy was that honesty is ultimately better than lying about things because it can make a relationship stronger. If it ends, it ends (See #1). But if a guy is faced with the prospect of having to tell his partner something uncomfortable, and she ends up sticking around, the relationship is strengthened by that. There is always the potential L, but that’s the price you pay if you’re prepared for it. In some cases on the show a relationship could end, only to get back stronger than ever after one party makes their admission. But that can only happen through honesty. Something Patrice used to say was that the truth always comes out eventually, all it takes is time. So why not take the initiative and set things right faster?
5. Emotions vs Logic
This one might be controversial for those people who considered Patrice to be a misogynist or whatever else, but it’s not an ignorable point. He was simply saying that men tend to be less emotional than women, and we can tap into that side of ourselves a bit better when it comes down to disputes. The problem with letting your emotions get in the way of your reason is that it affects your ability to make sound arguments.
The emotional comparison between men and women has been made before ad nauseam, but I thought the way Patrice made certain points was brilliantly illustrated by how he’d have discussions with female callers in particular. Often times on the show when a woman would call in to raise an issue with Patrice, she wouldn’t really have much to say besides, “You’re wrong, and that’s how I feel about it.” When he would ask her to elaborate on why he happened to be wrong about a particular issue the truth would always come out: it wasn’t that he was wrong, it was more about how the caller was feeling. There were also hilarious times where a dude caller would have the same problem and Patrice would call them out and say something along the lines of, “You’re being dishonest,” and ask what the caller felt in his gut.
The key thing to remember about this point is that, although men and women think differently, if you’re aware of which side of your brain you’re tapping into at that particular moment in time — either the rational or the heart — it can lead to better decisions moving forward. It’s kind of like how people get upset at comedians these days for saying words and jokes: Patrice would say these types are letting emotion dictate their logical side. As adults we all know that sticks and stones, etc etc etc, but some people still seem to let themselves get offended by trivial stuff (because they’re more invested in the emotional side of it).
6. On Leadership
This is another very valuable lesson that seems like it’s nothing, but it really isn’t. Leadership is a quality to strive for due to the fact that it’s just one of those things that lessens the burden if you’re talking to someone. Think to yourself about the people in life you most admire: is it someone who flounders about, confused with what they want in life? Or is it a person who knows what they want and tries their best to go for it? It’s akin to how a deadline will often set a writer straight: if you know you have to finish something by a certain time, there’s less time to fuck around wasting doing nothing. Same thing with making any kind of plan ahead of time: once you know the direction you want your life to take, even if it’s something as small as going to see a movie or dinner plans with someone, you’re less confused about what will happen that day. No one likes a person who is struggling to figure shit out. Even if you happen to be feeling that way internally, it’s probably best not to show it.
This point is less about knowing exactly what will happen at all times or bossing the people in your life around, and more about a mentality and mindset. It’s just like the “righteousness” thing — when you’re in control of your own life to the best of your abilities, you’ll just know, and so will others. You won’t feel fraudulent about communicating to people, etc. It’s important to reiterate: this one is not about being a boss and a CEO or something. I’ve seen homeless guys with confidence get more women than dudes with money.